Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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