I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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