its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize