soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
