No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
