im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just invented taco cereal.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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