Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
