please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize