mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
