I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We're too hungover to prance.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
