My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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