I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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