Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
