That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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