theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
