i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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