I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
