The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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