I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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