Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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