In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
