Pappa wants mamma naked
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
