I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
