I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize