I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
