I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
