I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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