I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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