i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
