You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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