it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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