I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
