Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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