I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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