Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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