Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
