so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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