watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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