Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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