He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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