party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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