Pants 0. Shit 1.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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