just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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