theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
