if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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