i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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