Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize