I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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