i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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