im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
