I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
