my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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