If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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