my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
