the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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