im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
