she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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