we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
