I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want to fling myself into the sun
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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