is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
