Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
