so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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