I accidentally had phone sex last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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