Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pants are for mortals
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
