Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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