I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
