She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
