He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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